England V Italy

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#That all folks – That’s all folks, please add comments to the bottom, and rate (also at the bottom), keep an eye out for other blogs and follow me @mrfreeman1984 – Cheers!

#England Lose – Beaten again on penalties, it’s a harsh way to go out, but at the same time Italy probably deserved to win this match. It was a good effort and all that bollocks.. Luckily Gary Neville’s on hand to offer support. Still, for a team that’s not that good supposedly I’m not unhappy.

# Penalty – Diamanti  – SCORES – (4:2)

# Penalty – Cole  – MISSES – (3:2)

# Penalty – Notchorino  – SCORES – (3:2)

# Penalty – Young  – MISSES – (2:2)

# Penalty – Pirlo  – OUTRAGEOUS PENALTY – (2:2)

HOT ENGLAND SUPPORTER SPOTTED

# Penalty – Rooney  – SCORES – (1:2)

# Penalty – Montolivo  – MISSES! – (1:1)

# Penalty – Gerrard  – SCORES – (1:1)

# Penalty – Balotelli to take #1 – SCORES – (1:0)

# So… How do I blog this – Should I try and raise the tension or accept you’re not reading this right now?

#Penalties – Let’s be honest, this is a lottery, I’ve no idea which way this could go…

#Whistle Blown – It’s Penalties. – Shit.

# 29 min ET – Does Pirlo ever get tired? I mean he’s 80, it was his birthday the other week, does he really need to play two hours of football? If only we had Scholes playing too, a combined age of 200 with those two… and if Giggs was English? Well we’d have won the World Cup by now, but that’s beside the point.

# 28 min ET – So the question is who is the better keeper? Hart or Buffon. The England supporters can’t help any more say BBC1, it’s not like they’ve been on the pitch… If anything I’d be more motivated by a group of fans taken straight from FHM and Mills & Boon books.

# 26 min ET – Premature celebration across Italy and lots of messy pairs of trousers. Italy corner.

#24 min ET – 65 year old Pirlo is still running the Italian team, carving our chance after chance. HOLY SHIT ITALY SCORE. But it’s offside. And the cameraman has found a new woman in the crowd. He doesn’t really have to try, they’re all models.

#22 min ET – Pirlo is persuaded by Balotelli that he shouldn’t take the free kick, even though he’s a free kick expert. How does it resolve itself, a fan in row XY with a ball in the face and Pirlo staring at the floor wondering why his 57 years of experience left him for a moment.

# 19 min ET – England riding their luck, looking very tired with the Italians swarming all over them. Italy win a free kick and the camera cuts to an attractive Italian lady, seems focused on her chest the cameraman. Free kick to Italy.

# 18 min ET – I like that when an Italian player pushes an England player it’s a “shove”, “thump” or “pummelling”, when the reverse happens it’s a “maneuvering” or a “nudge”. Ain’t language great.

#16 min ET – Diamanti really has an awful lot of tattoos, he’s just fallen over after someone was near him, it’s fair to say the referee thinks he’s being a bit of a wimp. Apparently “Terry’s always been there”, that’s what single footballers wonder when they go on a date with a new girl…

#HALF TIME WITH JURGEN? – I can’t help but think that in a country of 68 million there must be someone else who is English and qualified enough to make comments about stuff that the entire population of the country already knows.

#15 min ET – England have the ball, which must be a novelty at this point, a great bit of passing is finished by a poor cross. Stuart Downing must be kicking himself. Like the rest of the world.

#14 min ET – England have gone all defensive. That sort of playing style where they try and whether (right one? or weather) the storm. Much like Titanic weathered that infamous iceberg…

#Hit Post – A cross turned shot grazes the post. It’s helpfully pointed out it’s the same post. Of course there are only 4 posts available so there’s probably a good probability of that happening..

#Mario V Joe – The question is who is best, one was on the Spectrum ZX84 the other is a Nintendo staple. One has a moustache, the other is an egg. One of them people who are less geeky than me would have heard of, the other is Joe Egg..

#7 min ET – Balotelli goes for goal from well outside the box. Last time they met was in Rome apparently. I imagine lots of pasta was consumed on that occasion. Sorry I’d not mentioned pasta for a while. Or flair. Or red wine.

#5 min ET – England are looking tired, but wait… Walcott springs away before Rooney is held up, then straight away up the other end is Mario. I honestly think Mark Lawrenson may spring down onto the pitch and punch every England player that makes a mistake. He’s furious. I’m not sure why, he was Newcastle’s defensive coach during the Boumsong/Bramble era… Which was.. Well… ace..

#3 min ET – Looks like Jordan Henderson is preparing to come on, bet Italy are scared now, off comes Scot or Scotty or the Scotinator Parker. Henderson is fresh so he might be okay, he might even score a hattrick, or the winning penalty. Or pigs may fly.

#1 min ET – Carroll attempting two footed tackles on anyone near him, however, much like England’s shooting he’s getting nowhere near…

#Inspiration – Alan Shearer’s word of wisdom – “Stay Strong”, that’s the kind of pep talk that got Newcastle relegated.

#Massage?!? – Apparently Balotelli was getting a massage there. Now I’m no expert, but his shorts aren’t terribly long and I’m pretty sure that two men were elbow deep up them, so either they were rubbing his tummy through his shorts legs or he’ll be very relaxed in extra time…

#Facinated? – You’ve probably noticed that 100% of the readers of this blog have found it “facinating” at the bottom of the page. Anyone want to add to that?

#And to extra time – and more Shearer…

#Rooney almost has a moment of magic – An overhead kick, I last tried to do one in the late 90s in Scarborough, Scalby Cricket ground, Matt Thompson crossed over and I turned and swung a leg over my head before collapsing on the floor in a heap. It hurt like shit. If Rooney had scored it countless children would have sustained injuries at school tomorrow on concrete playgrounds. Thank god he didn’t. For the kids.

#+3 min of extra time – That seems like a very rounded number. I had calculated 3 min 27 seconds… But no… Do they listen? Maggio is coming on as Italy become more defensive. England have one substitute remaining, is it time to unleash The Downing…?

#90 min – I realise I’m saying this before the final whistle, but penalties anyone?

#88 min – Q – What’s Prandelli got up his sleeve. A – His shirt. Actually no, unless he’s wearing two shirts… More factual inaccuracy from the BBC exposed by this blog.

#87 min – Roy has a huge wrist watch, I mean massive, It’s the same size as his hand, clearly the England job pays okay then..

#84 min – To clarify the Italian player clutching his face had been caught in the shoulder.. Why is anyone surprised by this, not least Ashley Young and every Premiership player..

#England Free Kick! – In a good position won by Ashley Young who hasn’t really made much of an impact in this match. Certainly a great moment to score then. Terry was hauled down and no penalty. Italian player goes down clutching his face. Mark Lawrenson is holding back a whole load of racism…

#80 min – After 27,000 misses Di Rossi has come off… A quick cutaway to the Italian supporters has revealed that while the England supporters are bald men wearing Prince Charles masks, they are attractive Gucci wearing trendsetters with beautiful girlfriends, homes and mothers.

#78 min – Diamanti has come on. He once played at West Ham. I for one am quivering with fear, however I know that my quivers will spur him on even more so I’ll stop now.

#76 min – Buffon has just sworn at his defenders. Or at least the 2 finger salute. Gerrard has a free kick and it was sooo sooo sooo close to sneaking into the right hand corner. I’m wondering what food is in the fridge at the moment. I’m pretty sure I have mustard, pesto, tomato sauce and milk. A feast…

#73 min – Gerrard’s got cramp, well maybe he has cramp, it seemed England had lost their shape and he sat down and had the break, doesn’t seem to have effected the Italian attack though. Pirlo is playing like a 17 year old, so much energy. England are playing badly again. Terry, Lescott and Hart are keeping us in this one.

#More pictures of Roy – Yep we’ve had swearing Roy and now tentative pensive Roy. I just noticed that someone at the England game has a Prince Charles mask on. Would you really travel to the Ukraine, to watch a European match, in Kiev, where Chicken Kiev’s are from, to see England in a quarter final just to watch behind a cheap paper mask. I mean make it an expensive mask if you have to, but paper, really???

#68 min – The commentators have started equating penalties to Voldemort. If you don’t know what Voldemort is then you really haven’t lived… Or you haven’t read Harry Potter. And yes, it’s a book for kids.

#67 min – Carroll tackling really is a sight to behold, it’s great he doesn’t so much try and take the ball, he tried to plunder it by breaking every bone in the opposition’s body then falling over…

#SOMETHING HAPPENS – Ashley Young takes a shot and narrowly misses, we then cut to an image of Roy Hodgson yelling something and covering his eyes. We can’t hear it but I think I can just about translate it “Fuckin’ Hell”. Roy, don’t be a swearer, it’s not big or clever, and it’s well beyond your generation. Have a sweet tea and a bourbon.

#63 min – Di Rossi is continuing in his ambition to be the first man to kick a football into space, and that was a pretty good attempt, that shot might challenge Joe Hart in an hour or two when it returns from it’s journey into the stratosphere…

#62 min – Thank you to Matthew O’Connell for this gem: England only have to get the first goal tonight. Because historically the Italians will then join in with the winning side.

#59 min – That was a Geordie accent by the way… Balotelli is pretty annoying but he’s exciting as he goes for an improvised overhead kick. Milner and Welbeck, two of England’s better performers are brought off. That said, Carroll stood next to Pirlo, maybe we’re trying to scare the shit out of him..

#58 min – Carroll and Walcott look like they might be coming on. Let’s be honest, a year ago I would never imagine either being a source of excitement and almost comfort for the England supporter. So I guess our game plan will be changing to running fast and hoping the tall man can ‘AV IT OUR SON’

#55 min – In case you’re wondering I was playing badminton tonight and played pretty well, winning most my games. Now if England win the game then we’ll know that my Badminton ability is able to predict England results. Unfortunately I’m not playing again until next Sunday… So I can predict the final then..

#53 min – Italy miss another sitter, England have become the defensive shambles we all know and love. But you’know what that’s okay. We all fully expected England to be home after one game in shame.. But no, we’re here playing a real team in a quarter final…

#52 min – JT FOR KING – a great bit of defensive work from Terry who guides away a certain goal from the hungry head of Mario Balotelli… In other news it seems Shearer is in the studio to prevent him being in contact with Mark Lawrenson, which would be a world ending dull combo..

#51 min – Please note: I’m actually a fan of James Milner, he was cracking at Newcastle and it was a real shame he left. Although, let’s be honest he made a good decision, we were atrocious at that point. John Terry is a different matter..

#49 min – Milner holds back Balotelli who reacts badly, for a moment he looks like he’ll beat Milner to death, until he realises it’s James Milner and noone will notice.

#47 min – Italy attack and now have a corner. JESUS how the hell in God’s name did De Rossi miss that shot on goal. Please see every comment i’ve made about shot being easy which could have been scored by my grandma. This one was so easy I could have got it in.

#Second Half – And we’re off again, and a good bit of attacking from England, Milner is playing well, breaking at pace, just a shame he hits his pass to Mr Invisible, England’s key player.. Most of England’s vital passes seem to go to him and he’s nowhere to be seen…

#Perfect Sunday  – Wake up late, nice lunch, good weather, football in the evening, the perfect Sunday says our crispy hero Gary, “You just missed one thing there” says Alan Shearer, looking around with a cheeky grin at his co-commentators.. “and England Win”. He laughs, looking around, pleading for validation, will someone laugh along with him, it was a joke, he read this blog and then tried to make a joke… No? Must be true… Surely if you laugh yourself it counts as a joke…?

#Klinsmann – Has someone been rubbing a balloon on his head? or has he been electrocuted…

#Problem – Coincidentally if England beat Italy, Germany and get to the final, there will be no blog as I’ll be watching Daniel Kitson perform in Manchester. The question is am I happy missing Daniel Kitson to watch England get broken by Spain…? No.

#Best Quote – Thanks to Adam Gardner for this gem:  “Cassano, powering one into Ashley Cole’s backside”

#Balanced Commentary – Essentially what we’ve learned from the BBC commentary team is that England are great, Italy are rubbish, particularly on the wings, and Pirlo is rubbish. Strange then that Italy have dominated possession and it’s still 0-0. Penalties anyone?

#Shearer Gem – “No keeper is ever going to stop that, and I mean that” – Yes, we know, you just said it, does that mean everything else he’s said is a lie which he didn’t mean?? Is Alan capable of a joke…

#KIEV REFERENCE – Did you get it? Chicken Kiev… No? It was a poor attempt at a joke. I’m now going to slam my head in the fridge door as Alan Shearer talks, back in 15… Please leave comments at the bottom, give the post a rating (also at the bottom) and tweet and facebook to people who might dislike Shearer as much as me.

#HALF TIME – So all square in Kiev and the chicken and garlic filling is really warming up. But not as hot as a McDonald’s apple pie. Remember them? Hotter than the sun..

#44 min – Joe Hart really is a bit of a colossus in goal at the moment, can we bring back David James or Rob Green where every touch they have is greeted by a wince, a brief intake of break and a look away from the screen…

#42 min – Italy are playing like an Alfa Romeo at the moment, they’re handling very well, keeping control of their speed, but there’s always the possibility it’ll break down. England are playing like a Rover and an Aston Martin simultaneously, mostly shit and dull but then with moments of heart racing excitement. Oh and both teams have probably had pasta in the last couple of days, a great carbohydrate…

#40 min – I’ve not mentioned pasta yet. I feel I should, at the very least make some sort of horrendous country based comparison. Balotelli misses from 1 yard. Yes 1. Yard.

#36 min – Italy have had twice as many passes as England. I’ve counted and it’s definately true. Apart from the bit about me counting it. It seems like we’re all playing for fouls at the moment. Cassano has a great shot from outside the box, palmed away by Joe Hart. A horrendous DIVE by Mario Balotelli, who fell over from the weight of air pushing down upon him.

#33 min – Welbeck has a great bit of interplay with Rooney and then sidefoots the ball over the bar. I have to admit I had a moment when he took the shot where my leg twitched involuntarily, I’d have wacked that really hard… I’d have missed as well, but I’d have missed in more style… I might even pretend I’d scored after the shot, just to confuse people…

#31 min – That said John Terry just let Balotelli get away from him. I say get away, John Terry was playing an offside trap on his own… Step forward the guy who wasn’t paying attention in Uncle Roy’s class?

#29 min – “Cassano never needs much space at all to get himself out of  a tight spot” – bit like John Terry then… Has JT been tested for STIs do you think, I mean if he has something, chances are the rest of the team has it too… Cracking defending today though…

#27 min – There’s been a lot about hair today, but noone on the pitch is earning less than 10k a week yet all appear to have cut their own hair? And Italy have another shot from miles away, Pirlo still seems to be pretty free to dictate play, I can’t help but think closing him down would be a good idea..

#24 min – England fall asleep for a moment but Balotelli can’t finish… Back to normal then… Glen Johnson has fallen over again. It’s settled into being boring now… Is it me or does Scott Parker look increasingly like a character from Biggles with his side parting… This could be the 1920s. I might turn the colour off on the TV to see if it makes it better.

#23 min – Seems to have calmed down for a bit. What does “Adidas is all in” mean, it keeps scrolling up on the advertising boards, I mean it’s just bollocks. Mark Lawrenson sounds surprised that England are playing well… Then he say’s Milner, yes Milner, the player we slag off with regularity has produced a wonderful cross, something weird is happening.

#19min – A lot of Italy at the moment, but England look SOLID. Has noone told them they’re England? I don’t pay my taxes for England to defend in depth and look solid. I expect flailing at the ball, the odd own goal and the goalie fluffing every clearance like a small child waving at an angry wasp.

#17min – “There’s no better crosser of the ball than Angelo Pirlo” as Pirlo does the worst cross in his entire career… But he has great hair.. Not seen much of Uncle Roy so far.. Maybe he’s asleep?

#14 min – ROONEY SHOOTS!!! A diving header from Rooney. I’ve always wondered if there’s a relationship between the amount of hair a player has and the ability to head the ball effectively. Shearer, Charlton and… and… someone else bald.. All Bald. All good at heading. And another good break by England. Mario winging… Is it wrong to want Balotelli to self-destruct..?

#12 min – PARKER SHOOTS!!! And misses.. But he shoots. When Scott Parker is having shots you know something special is happening. Balotelli is looking a little frustrated. Then again he pushed over Terry, we’ve all had that urge, he actually get to do it.. Lucky guy…

#9 min – It’s been quite entertaining so far… Usually I’m reading a Guardian article about inequality or checking out FHM’s online game section by now, but no, entertaining. This could end up 3-3. Gerrard and Parker are having belting games so far, Gerrard exploiting the flanks… Rooney getting into the box, corner won.. Lots of bad hair cuts on display tonight…

#Filth Alert – Apparently Johnson just needed to “Dick it out..” to score the goal.. He must have a huge… Well… Jesus… If it’s a draw after 90 min we should instigate a cock fight…

#4min – This might just be the best game of the Euros so far. I can’t believe I’m saying that, a great break into the box and England one lucky prod away from taking the lead, Buffon made a great save though.

#3min – Is that the greatest non-goal of all time? England survive by a millimeter after an outrageous shot by Di Rossi. I’ve noticed there have been no cutaways to attracted women in this match… Did England not take any hotties to the Ukraine?

#2min – First dangerous cross of the night, not a real concern from the England players, after all we’re playing Italy, all their players are 5’2″  and can’t jump… Or is that Spain.. Who are we playing again?

#We’ve started – Outrageous volley from Balotelli from miles away, that guy really is incredibly sure of himself. Pirlo already looking like the player to decide this game, and to sell huge amounts of Head and Shoulders as a replacement for David Ginola.

#Kickoff – Looking at the bench I think Italy will be quivering with fear… Stuart Downing…

#Anthem Time – Balotelli looks like a mean man, he smirks at the camera, this doesn’t bode well for England… Or Italy… Either… It bodes well for noone. Italy kick of the anthems, Buffon’s singing is really quite incredible, passionate, intense and entirely out of tune… England follow, someone seems to have turn the volume down on the England team, if only we could find out if Rooney is a great singer or not…

#19:37 – I miss Adrian Chiles. I never thought I’d say that, but while the BBC1 screen is lit up by TV “personalities” such as Lee Dixon and Alan Shearer, Adrian Chiles walks as a TV God.

#3:08pm – So prediction time, I expect a dominating victory for England with Ian Bell leading the run-making and James Anderson dominating the West Indian batsmen… Oh wait… Football? Yeah 2-1 to England, or in reality, 3-2 to Italy… Here’s to me being wrong hopefully…

#12:29pm – So match day has finally arrived and after watching the brain numbing tedium excitement of the Spain V France where Spain passed the game to fucking death killing the spirit of football and making it look like a professional team against a group of schoolkids won dramatically.

Yet the England game won’t be like that as our brave noble lads take on the Italians, expect lots of cliches about them begin great lovers, great cooks, great footballers but not really very good at cricket, playing games without betting on them first and effectively managing an economy. So if we lose, still got something to fall back on…

The coverage will start from 7:30pm with loads of build up and I try and make this excruciating game bearable. See you later!