I spent the last year writing a play.
It’s good.
I wrote it.
It must be.
Surely.
Sadly no-one agrees.
Lots of people say you should take rejection with a pinch of salt. I say no. Take that salt, add some lemon juice and squeeze it onto the gaping wound where you heart once beat. So here’s my guide to reading a rejection letter as a jilted playwright.
WHAT THEY SAY vs WHAT THEY MEAN
“Thank you for submitting your play”
“Thank you for testing our recently upgraded website”
“I’m afraid that on this occasion your play was not selected for further development.”
“Because we’ve already commissioned writers for the next 30 years we’ve no room at the inn.”
“we are not currently in a position to offer further feedback on your work”
“Christ alive, reading it was bad enough, I don’t want to have to consider your feelings. Also, if it turns out I was wrong I’ll look like a right dick”
“We ask therefore, that you respect a twelve month interval before sending us another script.”
“Please fuck off”
“Please be considerate of other writers”
“Please fuck off and get out of the way of writers who are better than you. Ones who we know.”
“We hope that you will not be disheartened by this decision”
“Have you considered killing yourself? That’s how we felt when reading your script, someone should pay for the 4 pages I read”
“We would also encourage you to send your script to other new writing venues such as the Royal Court Theatre and the National Theatre”
“But only if you are based in London”
“We wish you all the best with your future writing.”
“Have you considered another career choice?”
“Firstly we would like to apologise for having taken so long to respond to you, it has been a particularly busy few months”
“Sorry, our role as a company devoted to new writing has taken a backseat to workshops”
“Whilst we thoroughly enjoyed reading your play, it is not one that we wish to pursue into production at this time”
“If this play was a person it would have a terminal disease. And be on fire. In a desert.”
“Best wishes, Admin Placement”
“Best Wishes, Admin Placement”