Things I know… (I wish I didn’t)

It’s Tuesday, which of course means that it is time for the brilliant Fresh Meat! It got me thinking about university, what I learnt, but also the things I kind of wish I’d not learnt..

Here’s a few from me, please add your own in the comments.

1. Milk can be sieved
2. Sieving milk does not improve the flavour
3. Being the centre of attention on the dance floor is not a good thing.
4. Sports clubs can be divided into 3 groups – #1 Cool, #2 Quirky and #3 Respect Gaining. Badminton fits into none of these groups.
5. In your 1st year you will worry about whether your hair is cool enough. By the 3rd year you will worry about where your hair is going.
6. Never be the first person at a party to “get naked”
7. I learnt the following things at drama school – breathing, standing and walking and greeting people – on reflection I had mastered all of these some years previous.
8. Getting a job after Uni would be easy.
9. Getting a job that wasn’t badly paid, soul destroying and humiliating would be extremely hard.
10. McDonald’s can be microwaved.
11. Eat noodles for 3 weeks solid and you will lose a stone.
12. Never have a wingman. Wingmen always get laid. It’s because they’re not desperate enough to agree to a wingman.
13. If attending a “famous duo’s” party avoid the following – Father Ted & Dougle, Goose (from Top Gun) and anything that requires the wearing of a cardboard box. Goose is the exception to the wingman rule. He dies in the film.
14. If you fall asleep at a party ensure that people don’t decide to “decorate” your face.
15. If you must fall asleep at a party, ask everyone to only use water soluble makeup.
16. Avoid people called Kitty who have makeup and an evil soul.
17. It’s not you it’s me. It’s not, it’s you.
18. Starting an essay after a night out where you drank lots of Jagerbombs to give you energy is a mistake.
19. A kebab will never keep til morning.
20. People who are having sex don’t appreciate their door being knocked on to see if you can borrow a condom to enable you to have sex.
21. The first 5 times you get stoned will coincide with the first 5 times your parents make impromptu visits to “their little darling” at uni.
22. The following things are difficult to steal from Universities – Full wooden benches from outside the SU – An oscillascope – Large rolls of toilet roll from the Sports hall toilets.
23. In your head every time you go out as a single person the possibility of sex with an attractive girl dressed as a french maid is a reality. It isn’t…
24. …unless your name is Joe.
25. Being world #1 at a computer game will only impress the wrong sorts of people.
26. Inflatable camp beds, Futons, wooden floors and club toilets are not appropriate places to sleep.
27. If you’re going to be sick then don’t be sick down the side of a whitewashed pub…
28. …particularly if you’ve been drinking Cider & Blackcurrant all night.
29. Adding a little bit of wee to a nemesis’ home-brew is very satisfying…
30. …however less satisfying when he offers you the first taste of the finished product.
31. Those “quirky shirts” will haunt you in 5 years time.
32. That “quirky hat” will haunt you in 5 years time.
33. Never get competitive as to who can eat the hottest curry.
34. A housemate’s flannel is not a good substitute for toilet roll.
35. Don’t expect to ever use your degree – unless you are in the medical profession – in which case use it lots.
36. Sports Science is just glorified PE
37. Sports Science Students Career Option: PE Teacher.
38. Any lecture pre-11am is completely unjustified.
39. Resist the temptation to take an acoustic guitar to a party if you can only play Oasis.
40. Lecturers do not find rhyming couplets in dissertations hilarious.